Crooked Spine Crooked Mind

No one has seen Isis today. She just kinda vanished in to thin air. Jim was going to take her to a non profit we know of but there is no sign of her. I am scared and worried for her. Things don’t look good for her as it is, now she has gone somewhere……

Jim is leaving tonight for Florida. Driving again, he was supposed to work elsewhere today but last night was such a long night both of us were so tired after getting only a few hours sleep. So once again I will be alone till Thursday morning. Well not alone, Just me and Jonas pretty much. I guess I can only hope things turn out alright. It’s been a hard week and it’s only Tuesday.

To those of you who have been telling me “I don’t mean to be mean but you know, she is suffering” I know this. I would do anything I could to lessen this suffering if I knew where she was. Unfortunately we do not have ANY money right now, We are literally broke. The vet is not an option till next week even if then. The only reason the internet and phone still work is thanks to Jim’s friend Luke who was kind enough to loan us $200 to pay the bill.

Please do not tell me this again. My heart hurts knowing what I do and the poor thing is my little bitch. I love her to death. If i could have stopped this from happening I would have done so. You will also be happy to hear, I’ve requested that we get no more animals. With as many as I’ve lost my heart and head can’t handle it anymore. I love you all but seriously, don’t tell me what I already know.

So things are not very good right now. Our phone is shut off and we have no money to pay it of course. Jim’s mom is in the hospital with heart problems again of course. And my cat is probably going to die. She came in earlier and her bottom lip looked dirty. Turns out it was busted up. She got in a fight with something and it took her lip and the side of her jaw with it. If you know me then you know how many animals I’ve lost over the past 3 years and how hard it was for me to get over.

Jim is talking to his dad right now about what to do but with the way everything else has been going, I expect to be told that she needs to be put down. Wonderful isn’t it? I am so tired i can’t even cry anymore. I’ve been sick and was actually in the ER last night but I didn’t stay cause of fears over the flu that the people in the waiting room had.

God this sucks. Everything sucks. Just kill me now cause I have no idea what’s going to happen next and frankly, I don’t want to know.

Today was spent playing on here, playing with Jonas, watching stupid movies (Can’t beat The Toxic Avenger 2!), cooking the turkey meatballs for the spaghetti, cooking the spaghetti, coloring with Jonas, feeding the animals and avoiding phone calls. So apparently the party was on and Jim’s mom didn’t get the message that we would not be attending.

She calls and bitches him out. He explains my mom fell in the shower and we can’t leave her alone with her knee like that to which she replies “Well you and Jonas come up”. Now I’m not all that sane but I know better than to drive 2 hours to stop in and say “hi” then drive 2 hours back on Halloween. Don’t they remember, it’s not called Drunkington County for nothing.

He says the phone is gonna die and hangs up. I unhook said phone. Problem solved till I check the messages in the morning and hear “GOD DAMMIT JIMMY PICK UP YOUR F*@(#)$(#* PHONE!”. Jim was also worried about his dad. Gone all day blah blah blah. None of the usual hangouts blah blah blah. Turns out he went to help some guy move. Hopefully not closer to us. I call him “Burnout Bobby” who has a staring problem.

Ironically enough the story how we found him is pretty funny. OK well not funny but it’s where I gave him his nickname. We were in a nearby town waiting for a pizza from Pizza Hut (YUM) and were driving around to pass the time. Out of the corner of my eye this guy who is talking to himself and it looks like he’s disagreeing with himself. I say to Jim “That man looks like he has issues” Jim looks over and says “Holy crap! That’s my uncle Bobby”.

So yeah. He’s burnt out Speed will do that to ya. Plus he always looks at my chest and is kinda creepy. Anyways I’m off subject here. Today wasn’t a total loss though. I finished Jess’ CD’s and started on Tonya’s play lists. I also played on Gaia, GL and Pogo. Fun fun fun till the batteries in my mouse die.

So Jim’s younger brother is throwing a Halloween party and everyone is invited. Except Jim’s dad. For the past 3 days we’ve been getting calls from Him, His mom and his sister in law. All I have to say is HELL NO.

We will not be attending. It’s not just because of the Dale situation but because I wouldn’t want to take the spotlight off the “golden child” aka the other grandson. I also hate my sister in law. Well not hate, we’ve gotten along quite well since she had her kid but before that she was just mean. I hate family functions and I will explain why.

While most of my youth was spent in and out of Group Homes/Hospitals and Detention centers, the few holidays I did have at home it was just My mother and I. My Dad had remarried and moved to WA so I never saw him nor was i invited (i think). My moms family is all in NJ and dads all in RI. So it was just the 2 of us, sometimes just me as my mom worked the night shift.

Since we have moved here I have been to too many functions to count. The last “family reunion” we went to has Aunt soandso passing out and everyone thinking she was going to die as well as the lady who told me she could talk to animals. The last one I think the most i said was Hi and Bye besides talking to Jonas. While I love Jim’s brother, I just can’t handle everyone in the same place at once.

When I was pregnant (hormone overload, let me tell ya) we ended up going to Jim’s cousins. His aunt proceeded to tell me i was beautiful to which i started to cry. I don’t hear that much. There was also a lady named Samantha who was drunk and insistent that if we had a girl to name her Samantha. Between that and Jim’s crazy cousin sitting next to me playing with his knives I had to get out of there.

So No. We will not be going to this party.. They can have plenty of fun without us while we stay home and carve a pumpkin and eat lots of candy…..

So last night I had a breakdown. I began feeling I was worthless and that I have no purpose in life. When this hits, it hits hard. Jim had decided to go lay down and I just felt so crappy and depressed.  I pretty much started crying when I began to talk to Tonya. I wish I had the logs, She is amazing at talking me down and making me feel better. There is a reason she’s my best friend.

The only thing is she doesn’t realize how amazing she is. She is a single mother and has been since her son was born. She went through the pregnancy alone (I was there but faking a asthma attack as he was making his entrance), She did it all by herself. This is something I know I could not do. She us going to school to make a career and a life for herself and her son.I am so proud of her for doing this.

And her son! Wow! This boy is possibly one of the most well adjusted kids I have ever seen. He is a amazing kid and I know he gets that from his mother. How she managed to do it all by herself I will never know, all I know is that she is amazing and such a wonderful person. She should never sell herself short. SHE IS THE MOST AWESOME WOMAN IN THE WORLD!

Thank you, Tonya. For always being there for me and knowing how to make me smile even after the most miserable of days. I owe you so much and I love you.

Other than that today has been good. Jonas had his speech therapy and is doing very well. I finished part of a project I’ve been working on for a few weeks now (Got Jess’ mp3s downloaded and doing Tonya’s tomorrow… Then mix time!). I found out i have an infection, UTI to be exact. I am no stranger to these but this is what has been causing me to be so tired. Luckily I have antibiotics for this.

Jim and I mailed out Matthew’s Flat Stanley along with photos, a Stanley holder, a hook and a dragon head Jim made along. I hope we did good. I wabr him to get a A+++++. Jim also looked in toEtsy.com so he can make some stuff to sell on there. It makes me want to be creative but alas i haven’t a creative bone in my body.

He also made a swan which he thinks is ugly buy i like it. I want to post some of his artwork up here… Maybe in a bit. It’s getting a bit hard to type. I also added a Characters page kind of a who’s who of the people in my life.

Here is the hanger he built me for my wind chimes

And for good measure one of my little guy

Thanks for reading!

Yeah so I get overloaded sometimes. Mostly because I am limited in what I can do. I don’t drive, I can’t walk to the store (unless i wanna walk 12 miles) and all I really can do is sit here and stare at whatever I am doing at the moment. Sometimes I get mad. Really mad. Depressed even. Let me explain further….

When I was young I was accused of taking a binder of someone who I thought was my friend. I was also accused of hitting her (never happened). I did not want to go to school the next day so i raided my moms medicine box and took whatever I thought would make me sick. In short, I was dragged down the stairs of our second story apartment and taken to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. I do not remember this.

Shortly after that I held a knife to my wrist and told my mother I was going to kill myself. The pain was so unbearable. I was admitted to a mental hospital for a 5150. You think I would have learned my lesson. This was not to be. After overdosing and being put in hospitals, Group homes and detention centers I finally figured I was damaged goods. I have believed that for years and to this day it rings true.

The last time I tried to kill myself i took a whole bottle of anti depressants and a online friend ended up calling the cops. I was in a horrible relationship and I guess it was my way of getting out.  They let me out of the hospital not 3 hours later saying i was not a threat to myself or others. When I got home he was gone and i was alone and feeling better.

These days I am not allowed to act like this. Not just because I am 28 and trying to kill yourself is for teenagers but because I have a child. He needs me. I grew up with my dad in and out of my life at his digression and could not do that to my son. Although the urge still comes over me sometimes I don’t allow myself to go there. I repress it deep in to my brain and take a pill so I will feel better.

Lately this has been getting worse. I am not only tired of not being able to do anything but just tired of life in general. Maybe it’s the parents around me that never seem to let us have any peace or maybe it’s the anger and frustration that gets taken out on me on a weekly basis. Who knows….

Thank god I see a therapist next month, he is going to get a earful of everything that had happened in my life and I feel sorry for him. Maybe I will go listen to some Kiss Kiss and repress some more rage and anger and depression. They always seem to help.