Crooked Spine Crooked Mind

So I haven’t been here. I don’t know why I have this place, no one reads this crap. I just needed a place to vent anyways So things are going. My hearing is Wednesday and I am scared. I know I can only answer the questions that they ask me and I have to say Yes or No. It’s gonna be a pretty rough week. Jim is working though so that is good.

Tomorrow I have a apt with the regular doc. I am going to ask him about birth control (TMI, i know, sorry) since i missed my last shot (yes I’ve been safe, we don’t need a brother or sister for Jonas). I also need many med refills. Then on Thursday Jim is going on another trip! This time to NC. We need money for Christmas and all that fun holiday stuff.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I guess I have some things to be thankful for this year. I’m thankful we had our big meal yesterday cause I don’t think i could stand another day of my mom. I’m thankful Isis did not suffer when she went. I’m thankful for Jim and Jonas. I’m thankful that there is no family function on Jim’s side that we have to attend today.

I’m thankful for my friends and family and their health. I’m thankful for sleep and once again dreaming even if the dreams don’t make sense. I’m thankful for good stories and funny people. I’m thankful for time wasters. I’m thankful for my doctors and my lawyer who seem to want to help me. One thing I hate is that they change the TV schedule around but I can live with that for one day. I do like the parades and this is the first year in a long time I’ve been awake to see it.

Anyways Happy Turkey Day to all of you lovely people. I hope your bellies get full and you all have something to be thankful for. Love you all!

P.S. Oh one last thing, How could I forget… I am thankful for awesome music that keeps me going on bad days. Why isn’t kiss kiss in the parade? That would be awesome!

P.S.S I added a Dream tag. Things may or may not be coming in this area.

So i burned 3 of the CD’s. I ended up giving them stupid names like the 3 i finished are Fin Mix, Hopeful Mix and LOLERSKATES Mix. It’s easy to keep track of them that way. I took a short nap then (Jonas was napping so I went to take one too). Now here I am. How boring my life is.

She was given a sedative then given the big shot. She went peacefully and without a fight. One thing has come to light though, Someone who knows animals said it looked like someone tried to shoot her in the head and missed. They also said she would not have healed and would have starved to death if we had not brought her in.

Isis, I will miss you like crazy. You are my girl and always will be. No other cat could ever replace you and I won’t even try to find another one. I love you and hope you are in a better place. Tell Lucky I sent you, She will take care of you.

Other then that development nothing much has gone on today. I’ve been tired all day. Jim got home about 10 and we went to town before he started calling around to see if anyone could do something about Isis. It just sucks, this whole situation sucks. I know she’s in Kitty heaven chasing invisible mice and rolling around in the cat nip fields.

I know i freaked out hard earlier this week but it is really how i felt. I’ll try not to do it again.

No one reads this unless i point them to the site. Oh well…

I’ve made the decision to put Isis down. I came to this decision after seeing her try to eat and failing to keep the food in her mouth. It was truly heartbreaking but I think I’ve made the decision that needed to be made. I also decided that she will not be shot. She will be given Ketamine and go to sleep. I did not want it to come to this but as sad as I am I know it’s the right thing to do as opposed to let her starve to death which i don’t want to happen.

Jim will be home tomorrow and we will put her down. I said “No more animals” if she passed and I am sticking to it. My heart can’t handle this again. I know most of you know about Lucky and her long life and how she was treated like a princess. She had a few strokes and the last one left her unable to walk or eat. We ended up having to put her down and we used Ketamine. She fell asleep and began grinding her teeth. This was hard for me to watch so I’ve also decided I wont be there when they do it tomorrow.

I will miss you Icy, I love you. You are my favorite bitch and always will be. No one could ever take your place. You will be forever in my heart. Tell Lucky I sent you, she will be good to you….

So Jim left this morning at 4am. The time was changed (last nights post said he was leaving last night) and we got to spend one more night together before this trip. Today has been boring and lonely. Besides the guilt trip my mom tried to lay on me (it’s every week with this shit) I saw Isis. The swelling has gone down a lot and she looks pretty alright except for her jaw. I was told not to let her in since we don’t know what attacked her and if it had rabies or not, It’s hard not to though when she is meowing at the window.

I am hopeful that she will pull through. She really did not look that bad although her jaw looks terribly painful. I left some food out on the porch for her. I don’t know if she ate it or not but I hope she does. I watered it down a bit so it would be soft. Please keep her in your prayers, she needs them and I want her to make it. Jim will be home on Friday morning. One more lonely day left and i get him back! Well till he goes to this blacksmith thing on Saturday.

Sleep did not come easy last night. I woke up every 20 minutes and eventually moved back in to my bed. Loving one of the other cats did help a bit but I still feel horrible. Jim is going to a non profit animal organization to see if they can do anything. I’m sure they wont be able to. My mom said to expect the worst because it is bad. Her jaw is gone. I haven’t opened the curtains because I am afraid she will go on the porch. I don’t want to see her like that, it hurts me.

The internet is still on and our phone is back on thanks to a very nice person that Jimmy knows. Thank you so much Luke, You have no idea how you saved our asses this month. My chest still feels tight and hurts when I swallow. It’s not as bad as it was so I’m not too worried. I figure so much has gone on the past week, I wont die just yet.

There are knots in my stomach the size of baseballs. I find this situation deeply disturbing. God and Jesus both hate me and mock me at every turn. Why can’t they just let life be life and let me live a bit instead of throwing this shit in my face all the time? I know what is going to happen tomorrow and it wont be a happy day. I am sad and my heart is broken in a million pieces. I feel like I am going insane.

There isn’t much left to say. I can’t sleep, I can’t sleep next to him. Not tonight, knowing what I know. I am going to drug myself and sleep in another room if i can. Tomorrow the internet will be gone and I will sit here, alone. I can’t look at her without crying. I can’t even look at her. I said I was sorry, I never wanted this to happen. I’ve lost so much in this life and I don’t think I can take much more.

Time heals all wounds right?