November 17th, 2009
No one has seen Isis today. She just kinda vanished in to thin air. Jim was going to take her to a non profit we know of but there is no sign of her. I am scared and worried for her. Things don’t look good for her as it is, now she has gone somewhere……
Jim is leaving tonight for Florida. Driving again, he was supposed to work elsewhere today but last night was such a long night both of us were so tired after getting only a few hours sleep. So once again I will be alone till Thursday morning. Well not alone, Just me and Jonas pretty much. I guess I can only hope things turn out alright. It’s been a hard week and it’s only Tuesday.
To those of you who have been telling me “I don’t mean to be mean but you know, she is suffering” I know this. I would do anything I could to lessen this suffering if I knew where she was. Unfortunately we do not have ANY money right now, We are literally broke. The vet is not an option till next week even if then. The only reason the internet and phone still work is thanks to Jim’s friend Luke who was kind enough to loan us $200 to pay the bill.
Please do not tell me this again. My heart hurts knowing what I do and the poor thing is my little bitch. I love her to death. If i could have stopped this from happening I would have done so. You will also be happy to hear, I’ve requested that we get no more animals. With as many as I’ve lost my heart and head can’t handle it anymore. I love you all but seriously, don’t tell me what I already know.
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November 17th, 2009
Sleep did not come easy last night. I woke up every 20 minutes and eventually moved back in to my bed. Loving one of the other cats did help a bit but I still feel horrible. Jim is going to a non profit animal organization to see if they can do anything. I’m sure they wont be able to. My mom said to expect the worst because it is bad. Her jaw is gone. I haven’t opened the curtains because I am afraid she will go on the porch. I don’t want to see her like that, it hurts me.
The internet is still on and our phone is back on thanks to a very nice person that Jimmy knows. Thank you so much Luke, You have no idea how you saved our asses this month. My chest still feels tight and hurts when I swallow. It’s not as bad as it was so I’m not too worried. I figure so much has gone on the past week, I wont die just yet.
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November 17th, 2009
There are knots in my stomach the size of baseballs. I find this situation deeply disturbing. God and Jesus both hate me and mock me at every turn. Why can’t they just let life be life and let me live a bit instead of throwing this shit in my face all the time? I know what is going to happen tomorrow and it wont be a happy day. I am sad and my heart is broken in a million pieces. I feel like I am going insane.
There isn’t much left to say. I can’t sleep, I can’t sleep next to him. Not tonight, knowing what I know. I am going to drug myself and sleep in another room if i can. Tomorrow the internet will be gone and I will sit here, alone. I can’t look at her without crying. I can’t even look at her. I said I was sorry, I never wanted this to happen. I’ve lost so much in this life and I don’t think I can take much more.
Time heals all wounds right?
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November 16th, 2009
So things are not very good right now. Our phone is shut off and we have no money to pay it of course. Jim’s mom is in the hospital with heart problems again of course. And my cat is probably going to die. She came in earlier and her bottom lip looked dirty. Turns out it was busted up. She got in a fight with something and it took her lip and the side of her jaw with it. If you know me then you know how many animals I’ve lost over the past 3 years and how hard it was for me to get over.
Jim is talking to his dad right now about what to do but with the way everything else has been going, I expect to be told that she needs to be put down. Wonderful isn’t it? I am so tired i can’t even cry anymore. I’ve been sick and was actually in the ER last night but I didn’t stay cause of fears over the flu that the people in the waiting room had.
God this sucks. Everything sucks. Just kill me now cause I have no idea what’s going to happen next and frankly, I don’t want to know.
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November 14th, 2009
So I went to Rolla for the apt yesterday. They really didn’t do much of anything and I was kind of irked by the doctor in a way but it’s just made me more determined not to have the surgery. He is pretty much dead set on doing the surgery which would put me out for 6 months. I can’t afford to be out that long. My regular doctor told me not to let him do the surgery so I am going to have to side with him for now.
I also got a letter from SSI. My hearing is on December 9th. They contacted my lawyer as well so I am expecting a call on Monday about going in to see him. I did everything he asked so he should be pleased. Only thing is I don’t have the records from the back doctor but his receptionist (a very, very, very nice woman) is going to send me the release on Monday so I can get them.
I imagine I will have to get the records from the psychiatrist as well and updated files from my last 2 visits to my regular doctor. This should be easy though as he is in town and I don’t have to drive 2 hours to get them. The hearing itself is going to be scary. I hate being in front of judges. I think it has something to do with being given 6 months in Juvenile Hall when I was younger and seeing the judge there every so often for progress updates.
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November 12th, 2009
OK so the past week our Satellite has been out. We can’t afford to get it back on till tomorrow. It’s boring without TV. Anyways this has left me to search around for some stuff to watch and listen to on here. Amazingly I had this radio station in my bookmarks and I’m not sure where it came from but it’s pretty darn good. Click here to listen to WOXY!
Other than that i’ve been watching South Park and The Simpsons on ATDHE.Net and finally finished watching Moral Orel. Not much else. Today is a down day so I will be relaxing and hoping my back isn’t killing me tomorrow after the ride to Rolla and back. Maybe I’ll work on the CD’s today.
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November 11th, 2009
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November 11th, 2009
So those of you who know my situation.. I hope you are not disappointed in me for admitting defeat and getting back on pain pills. For people who don’t know… I took Vicodin for a long while and got addicted to it. After my second time going through withdraws i said screw it and stopped taking them. Unfortunately the pain has been pretty bad as of late.
Yesterday I went to see my regular Doctor. I told him what was going on and how I didn’t want to take the Vicodin. He asked me where on the pain scale i would rate Vicodin. I said 3, he said I was right and said he was going to instead give me Percocet which is considered a 7. I really don’t care as long as I don’t have to take a bunch of pills every day and it helps my back. And for the record, these pills DO kill the pain and don’t make my brain all fuzzy.
I also got a new Nebulizer (I don’t use the one I have a lot but it’s almost as old as I am) so I have to pick that up today too. Today is Speech Therapy for Jonas. He is making such improvement. He’s actually been blabbering in my ear so much, I’m surprised my ear hasn’t fallen off yet. Then Friday is the back doctor in Rolla.
Every time I see him he asks if I’ve lost 15lbs and quit smoking. Well this time I can say “Yes! I’ve lost 30lbs actually!”. I was told by my regular doctor not to let him do surgery cause it wont help. Now it seems I have also ruptured a disc in my lower back. Still no explanation about my leg, the shooting pain up and down, it continues.
After that I’m done for the month. And even though it’s still early in the month it’s been a pretty hectic one.
P.S. I haven’t even thought about the CD’s. I will get back on it once things settle down.
P.S.S. I started the Prozac today too. Hopefully it wont make me a zombie.
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November 8th, 2009
With all the stuff going on it’s nice to have a few days of downtime. Jim can’t drive next week because we have 3 appointments, including one in Rolla. It should be a interesting week. Today was spent doing a whole lot of nothing (watching movies) and I don’t even have to cook tonight so I’m being extra lazy. I’m on season 2 of Moral Orel. This show is too funny.
I still haven’t finished the CD’s. It’s been a odd week for me so I’ve just been relaxing while I have Jim and Jonas to myself for a while. I am feeling a whole lot better (mentally). I’ve started taking the Tofanil nightly so I can sleep and it makes me not as agitated in the mornings. So we can count that one as a small victory right?
Anyways not much else has been going on. Oh! Jonas is more vocal. He’s been talking my ear off since his last apt. I need to get the camera out and get some new pictures, he is getting tall. Wearing size 3t pretty nicely and out of 2t now. It’s amazing how fast they grow. Compared to his first picture he looks like a totally different child.
Well I’m off to watch the rest of Moral Orel!
<3
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November 4th, 2009
So apparently I’ve been lied to all these years and am NOT bipolar. I am however extremely depressed and if tonight’s short session proves anything it’s that i really should be back in therapy. My appointment was at 4:45. I wish someone had told me this guy is the busiest guy in the office cause I didn’t even get the paperwork to fill out till 5:30. By 6:30 I was in the “other” waiting room where he keeps the standbys i guess.
He seems nice. I dunno. I never really got close with any of my therapists except one who was just like a cool friend who would let me cry on his couch. Before he even said anything after leading me in to his office my eyes began welling up (they are right now to be honest with you). Great. Now he knows I’m upset. He asks why I am there. “Depression, stress, diagnosed bipolar at 11, in and out of mental hospitals till 18, tried to kill myself about 4 times” the normal first conversation between Doctor and Patient.
He seemed kind of shocked I knew the routine but went on anyways. Asking about family history and what my home life is like. I told him about Jim’s parents and Jonas. I didn’t talk about his birth cause that would have just set me off but i got a lot off my chest… I think. Jim is driving so I had my mom take Jonas to the hospital with her (the nurses like to play with him) while we did our thing.
It was a short session. He asked me about feeling “on top of the world” to which i described feeling more like i was on the bottom clawing my way up but the dirt is muddy. He asked me about anger. I almost lied. I almost said I have no anger problem but the many holes in the walls (3 at this point) paint a different picture. “I… Have some anger issues…. Not as bad as they used to be… Punching places in the wall where I know I wont make a hole”. He seem surprised that there were holes in my walls but i managed to get out “4 years of pent up frustration”
“You are not bipolar, You are however very depressed and I think we should try you on Prozac again. I know you said it didn’t work before but this time it may, Keep on the tofranyl it’s good for pain. Come back in a month”. Armed with my brand spanking new RX for another useless drug that probably wont help (or will zombify me) I head over to the hospital so I can go home.
Unfortunately this county is short on nurses that want to work. Cause half of them are out. We had to wait for 30 minutes till “fuzzy” as my mom lovingly referred to came in. She then mentions she got me dinner, Mcdonald’s in the car but SCORE Ice coffee. Jonas is getting hungry and fussy so I take him out to the car where i enjoy a smoke on their “smoke free zone” territory.
Finally at 7:30 my mom limps her way to the car (yep her knee is hurt again, she sees surgeon tomorrow). We nearly avoid being pulled over (she drives like a drunk…. When she’s sober) for DUI and make it back. Of course I was expecting one of the neighbors to drop something off for me like they said they would but so far no sign of anyone having been here. Oh well, I guess things just don’t work out for me.
So now i guess I’ll sum it up. Have to take more pills, get better, get out of here, get my ass in gear, get going. Well at least that’s it for the week for me. Next week however I see my GP and the Neurosurgeon (who is in Rolla, 2 hours away). Yeah. That should be fun.
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